I'm going to be very honest and sound probably like a horrible mother in this post. But I want to be real and tell my story to hopefully help others who may be experiencing the same emotions.
After Olivia was born, I was very sad. I felt cheated...like someone took away our little girl...the one we were expecting. I was grieving that child and trying to bond with this baby...one I felt I didn't know. I remember being discharged from the hospital, I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay in that room...hiding from the world. I thought I wanted to hide to protect Olivia from the stares and comments she was going to encounter, but now I realize I was only trying to protect myself. I was being selfish and I was terrified of facing our new reality, terrified of not being fit to raise this child, terrified my marriage would not be able to survive so much added stress. I had so many fears of our future and Olivia's future.
I remember sitting on the wheelchair, waiting for Roberto to pull up the car so we could leave the hospital. I remember I was with the nurse and some women walked by. They said "Congratulations" as they were trying to look at Olivia. I held Olivia a little tighter...hoping they wouldn't notice anything wrong with her. I wanted them instead to look at all the flowers that were by my side and be completely distracted.
I will always be ashamed and regretful of those moments...moments that I did not give Olivia what she deserved. Moments that I, the person who was supposed to love her unconditionally and protect her from the world, did not acknowledge what a treasure I was given. She deserved me to have complete trust in knowing she was amazing and she deserved me to celebrate her coming into this world and becoming part of my life.
I'm so sorry Olivia. But thank you for letting me hold you and with each touch helping me realize how special you were. Thank you for looking at me and each time telling me everything would be okay. Thank you for smiling at me and letting me know I was doing ok. Thank you for everything you have given me...especially the wisdom to know you were the exact child I was meant to have. You have made my world a better place and I keep learning from you everyday. Thank you.
Now I wish I would have had a crystal ball as I left the hospital. I wish I could have looked into the future, to see that everything was going to be just fine. Better than fine. Actually, I wish I wouldn't have needed a crystal ball...and just known.
Of course life has it's challenges...everyone has challenges. But I wouldn't change anything for the world. Olivia is only 6 years old, but I know no matter what the future holds, we will be okay. We all just do the best we can everyday.
I'm no longer that scared new mother that left the hospital...I am now strong and oh so proud of my Olivia. I want the world to meet her and see how amazing she is!
Tell me about your amazing child...